If you were to ask me, I would say that I am healed. I am healed from the trauma that was my daughters birth, that changed me and my life. However, if you asked me, does this mean that I no longer have bad days, I would answer, No.
Yes I still have days where I struggle, where my anxiety plagues me and I want to run and hide from the world. I still have days filled with self doubt, where I am my worse critic and guilt creeps in. I still have days where memories return. In fact sometimes those bad days become bad patches, lasting longer than I would like, making me twitchy and nervous.
I use to berate myself for the bad days. I have to be perfect. I have to be cured. I would view the bad days as a failure, believing that everything was defined by the bad day. The cloud would descend and my memory would become selective. I would forget all the days that were positive. All the things I had, and could do. I would lose sight of my journey and how far I have traveled on my road to recovery.
What does a bad day look like for me?
Sometimes it is having to cancel something I have planned or let someone down. Sometimes it is having to rest and practice self care. Other times it is just managing to get through the day, getting to work or care for my family. Some bad days I don’t cope with being a mum as well as I would like to, my patience on a shoe string. Other bad days I can barely function and panic attacks result leaving me exhausted and emotionally low. Each bad day is different with varying emotions, sadness, anger, guilt.
Over time I have realised that my bad days whether on their own or ones that stretch into weeks are part of my journey too. As Ive learned to accept them they have lost their hold on me, because I know that they will eventually pass. I am able to see that they do not mean I am not healing, in fact the opposite, they show I am healing. At one time the way I feel on a bad day, was how I felt all the time. Now those days are less and there are many more good days, than bad. When I reflect, I often see that my bad day is trying to tell me something too. Sometimes it is telling me I have done too much, that I need to stop and rest. Other times that I am expecting too much of myself, that I don’t need to be perfect. They remind me too that I am a survivor of trauma and as such my journey to healing will be on going. I need my bad days to help me see the good, to help me see that I am getting there, no matter how long it takes. They remind me too that I am strong even on the days that I feel weak, that I have got through them before and will do again.
My bad days are just a stone on my road, that has caused me to stumble. Yet each time they do I pick myself up and carry on. I do not let them cause me to doubt my journey because I have traveled so very far.
Healing isn’t my destination, healing is my journey. Healing means carrying on, allowing the days that are hard to come, and reside with me for a while, until they pass again. Healing means listening to what they are telling me and making sure Im caring for me. Yes healing doesn’t mean I no longer have bad days.